The Sword of Prajna is Violent, Unwieldy

A short note on the long process of being in the world after breakthrough

I have a friend who returned from a big period of Zen training. He touched something very deep. And he talked a bit the other day about how letting it all through him is almost violent in its intensity. And now he is wondering how he’ll be when he returns to his work with all of this huge intensity moving through him. It may be too much for people. I like this kind of talk. This is all very familiar to me, and so I’ll share a bit here. A

And just to note, if you tell this to a teacher and they disregard this process or make light of it, I’d say find another teacher. They have not done the real work.

Let me first say that I’m not talking about just mindfulness here. I’m not talking about an idea of being open or closed or of using the appropriate amount of effort. I’m talking about a very visceral cellular experience of great magnitude which explodes through a person who has touched something very deep, and learning how to manage that in life.

When we begin to go deeper into our process, we see that it will require that we throw our entire being into it, every cell, in order to truly feel what is happening, what is moving through us. For those of us in this process, we are usually sitting a ton, many hours a day, often in a training environment. And in that time, we see that in order to really do it, to feel what is trying to happen, to connect with it, to surrender to it, to touch a place where we drop away and everyone else drops away, when we finally touch the mainline of the universe, it takes a most severe abandonment of control. And in this abandonment of control and fierce focus of connecting with this extremely delicate process, we feel down to the atoms and they open up for us. We’ve touched the Big Bang. And it all feels necessary and right. 

There is a reason people of training are called shugyoshas. This was a term for the wandering swordsman honing their sword skills and living life on the line for their craft. One must have this type of ferocious intensity to go to the edge required to touch this most raw place.

In this time it is very helpful to have a supportive environment to go for it. It’s wonderful to have a structured environment where we can just single-mindedly pour ourselves into this process happening and being overthrown by this huge process. We must feel what is happening, find our connection, of what is trying to happen within us, and make a choice to allow that to go to its logical extreme, no matter where it takes us. And in this incredibly raw and vulnerable and ultra focused time, we finally touch something which changes us permanently. There is no turning back. This is called breakthrough. 

After we touch this and have a dramatic change, this is a tricky time. A time of volatility. We’ve been touched by Zeus’s lightning bolt. We’ve been marked by the terror of creation. We are kind of living half wide open and half trying to catch up with all of our cells. Our bodies have to catch up to this process, and this can take years or decades.

Also, just because you’ve had big opening, doesn’t mean that your body or your system has caught up with that yet. The violence that comes through is maybe just your body slowly and awkwardly learning to harmonize with this bigger process coming through. If we think of different bodies model in Taoism, the physical body must catch up to the much deeper karmic body which has been opened up in the deep experience.

But it was so worth it, as we finally touched that which had been calling to us since we were born, and that longing to experience it has dramatically changed. 

But, then there is a long nurturing period of learning to walk around and be a person and not blast everyone open with the mainline of the universe coming through our eyeballs, through our ears, through our heart. 

I remember I was particularly unskillful after I had touched this process. I had just broken through. In a way, all of my dreams had come true, or rather they’d been demolished in the best possible way, but I was a live wire of intensity that startled some people. I was emotional, I was bombastic. My focus was too much for people. I was like an electric wire built for 120 volts plugged into the 240 outlet. I was just too much for a while. 

So, how did I manage all of this intensity coming through me and be basically normal walking around? I only had a year or so in the monastery after breaking through to learn how to function from that open place. So when I left the monastery I had a big learning curve. It was an interesting decade! Honestly, I learned mostly by trial and error. I saw that the full wide open valve of my intensity, the same intensity that had brought me to a great opening, I had to not turn that wide open onto everyone around me all of the time in a vulgar way. I had to learn to allow this huge focus through me, but in a more refined way, a real way, loyal to this process, but not putting on another filter to block life coming through me. I had to learn to use it a bit more skillfully. This took long time, several years. I am not talking about blocking or dampening my experience, although I’m sure I tried that too... I am talking about meeting what is happening, meeting that. 

In meeting what is happening, I saw that the truth, this sword of prajna, would be clear and appropriate if I met what was happening in the most honest, sincere way. If I tried to manipulate or be in some way disloyal to this meeting of what was happening, then an almost violent cellular objection would happen in my entire being. So, the way to stay open and be appropriate, was to surrender and meet what is happening. 

So, being wide open became not just complete abandonment as it had been before, with all of the urgency to put my life on the line to let go, but meeting the moment and becoming it. This was a big phase for me, and greatly helped my process to realize this. I had had to go to extremes to open up and touch the place of truth, but then to be with people, situations, life, I saw that a unified life came from the most honest aspect of being loyal to each moment, to feeling the essence of each moment and becoming that. This is a long beautiful process. This might all sound obvious, but I am not talking about merely the idea of meeting life. I am talking about coming through the crucible of the universe opening up every cell and then finding a way to function in a harmonious way in society.

Let me let you in on a little secret. I am still in many ways the most intense person in the room, even though people don’t know it. I’m still that burning hot maniac who thew myself into the hands of God, blasted open in the process. But now, I just feel the flavor of the present moment, and I am wrapped in it, I am no longer fighting the room. I am less in the way of this sword of prajna coming through me. I’ve slowly processed in my bones that prajna is not just about being overwhelmingly wide open, it’s no longer about volume of more or less. 

Meeting what is happening, becoming the situation allows me to be less vulgar in my opening to this huge life. I am more surrendered to it. I am not trying to steer it. The volatility is in where we are still afraid to become what is happening. Honestly, we had to give everything we had to allow this process to happen. We had to throw everything away and give in to eternity. We had to stand in God’s tidal wave. But now we’ve got to allow our faith from that experience to mature and be real. 

Meeting people, becoming them, letting go of steering them, of us jamming up life, feeling what is actually needed, this is wielding the violent sword of prajna. This is the sword which gives life. I can be wide open by meeting each situation. I’m not perfect with this, no way, But after two decades of integrating this huge opening, I’m getting better. By the way, once you’ve touched it, you can always turn it on…

Because we are not sitting 8-18 hours a day, the refinement of being connected and allowing this process through in a more or less normal life is a very creative process. Usually a consistent body practice is very important and necessary. But you can do it.

I hope some of you appreciate the encouragement I am trying to give here. Lots of love! It’s too much for me to say, but if you’ve touched this, I am so impressed and proud of you. You are a hero, actually, for your vulnerability. Going to that place in yourselves and then going and being in the world is what is desperately needed. And if you haven’t touched it yet, just know that you can. Every cell is calling you to it. 

Hugs,

Core