A friend in a monastery wrote to me recently about my last Blogpost:
I have omitted personal information. They are a person deep into their process. Here is part of their question:
“Anyways, What you wrote about letting go…
I really want you to explain to me what was happening when you were doing your solitary standing practice that was unique from zazen. What about it was causing you to open? To be profoundly honest in space? To let go? (And maybe you can define what you mean by letting go?)
Was it that you were, for a time, just completely letting go of technique, and intention, and remaining in a thought-free state? Or did you find something even deeper, or more counter intuitive?
Were you doing NDBM or ZZ or what?
how did these play a role into the letting go?
Was it more a physical thing?
Please tell me as if you were telling yourself before it happened. You know?
Ok, I hope my message made sense, I’m short on time! I think you of course know what I’m asking. How do I do get to this place the Roshi is pointing me to? It must be more than sitting good zazen. I know it!
Thanks Core”
Thanks for the question. I’ll try to put some things together here. This post is about some of my unique process. It’s a longer post. Might be a lot to digest at once. It is not how everyone goes about it. I will say that it is definitely physical, about getting into the body, and then seeing that when I truly do that, it opens up the energetics. This opening of the energetics begins a transformation process I’ll try to talk about here.
So, we have to start to see that our life has meaning. Like, the very thing that is happening to us right now is not isolated or separate. It is literally the universe driving us into our true nature. It can’t be “over there”. There is nowhere to go to get it.
And the more we can see that what is happening to me is not separate or far away from the truth, then we see that I must let that happen. I’ve got to let it take me. My experience is important. My interactions are important. Everything that is happening is ushering me deeper.
So, feeling what is happening... I mean right now in my body, in this situation, for some reason we disregard what is happening. Or we think it is invalid or beside the point. But as we get more into our process, as we feel that we can trust the things going on in our bodies and in our awareness as we let go into the energy going through us, we see that we are being led. And the letting go is precisely the surrendering into that being led.
What do I mean??? Well, Like, here I am in space, and I am feeling something, tension here or tension there. Maybe I’m in pain. Maybe anxious. Maybe I’m impatient. Maybe I feel separate from everything around me. But if I get curious, and have been listening for a while, my existence in space seems to have something it is trying to do. It is trying to unify with the environment. Or to meld in some way I don't even understand.
My body feels like it is blocking the room from flowing, or that I am confused internally. I don’t feel good because I am blocked in some way. That can show up as numbness, frustration, desire, fantasy, frustration, disassociation, distraction, etc. Maybe I’ve created strategies for coping. Maybe I feel dreadfully insecure, or maybe I feel better than everyone else. Maybe I’m quiet or maybe I’m loud. Maybe I’ve become overconfident.
Maybe I’ve got layer upon layer of masks covering how I am feeling, how I am truly interacting with my experience. Layer upon layer of tension, preventing me from facing my experience. I’m a nice guy. I’m a jerk. And when I begin to drop those masks, it is incredibly scary. It's so scary maybe I just go blank or shut down. It’s overwhelming. But I keep at it. And it’s like I am losing control. The control I’ve built up to keep myself safe, to prevent me from feeling small or afraid or worthless. But I also see that I’ve got no choice. It’s like the universe is demanding I listen, and what a relief to listen.
What if everything you are experiencing is not in the way, but the whole universe trying to open you up? What is every raindrop, every flower reaching to the sky, even pain in your body, is the universe gently nudging you to surrender?
So we think it's my body trying to melt into the room, but when we go a bit deeper, we see that there is no body and room. It's all one thing, one field, and I've been mistaking it for a separation.
But we think that if we lose control, then we will be helpless, so we hold back…
For me, it felt like there was a cloud between myself and what was happening. Like a windshield that needed cleaning.
At a certain point, as we get more into the practice, it becomes clear that we have been fooling ourselves. We’ve actually been trying to control all of the time we’ve been letting go. And we see that that no longer feels right. We maybe even go to this place where we feel that we have to start over, or we are worse than when we started. And that is a good place, A tough place, but a place of honesty. True honesty. Not like before when we were half fooling ourselves, half fooling the universe. Instead, we see, I’ve got to let it ALL GO. Not just the things I choose to. I can’t hold on here while I let go there. And this is totally disorienting, as our basic survival and our whole persona we have created has been to find security and certainty. And we see that very certainty is what we have to give up.
This is like being in open heart surgery. Most people don’t get there. It’s too tough. They stay in controlled hypnotism and think they are becoming good at meditation or Zen or Taoism, etc. Instead, it is another control pattern sneaking in to control. But we've got to have that wild spirit of exploration in practice. We've got to be willing to find our own way and walk into the unknown. Something is happening and I can’t help but go into it!
And everything I thought I was, everything I counted on to keep myself going, none of that belongs in this new letting go, this new way of surrendering. Of giving permission to feel. We are in a new context. A completely different way of existing in space. What am I if not this entity I thought I was? Who is it that is walking around, doing this and that, involved in power struggles, needing a coffee, enjoying a movie, wanting to get enlightened, not liking this or that? All that I thought I was begins to dissolve. This can be very scary, but is completely necessary.
This also has physical repercussions. What is this body in space? It’s like, our whole life begins to be the same honesty, or dishonesty. And that will create a type of internal compass which will drive us more and more, sharper and sharper into a crucible of transformation. We'll see that our experience is just funneling us into a process of letting go. We'll feel like we are betraying this process by being dishonest. I mean being dishonest with my experience in space, in the room, in interacting with others, etc.
And going into it is intense. It is wild abandonment. It will take every ounce of focus, every bit of courage and intensity, throwing ourselves into it. But without force. At first, this is a completely foreign way of interacting, and so we force for a while because seeming results happen. We have no skill in this way, and so it takes time to learn to focus in this way. Honestly, it takes a few years. But as we begin to feel and focus on what is happening, with all of our focus, we see that we must also let go into it in order to allow it to happen. Like learning to give everything we have to birthing this silk delicate thread of light.
So I recommend learning to feel, and feel and feel, and beginning to learn this new way of focusing. Here is a short practice prompt to help us begin to feel what I am talking about:
For a time each day, give yourself 100% permission to existing space and let go.
Or If you are in a process of learning to do zazen, try not doing zazen for this time
Any tension in your system, and holding, creatively release it.
Give your body permission to intuitively release in space.
Don’t demand any type of verticality or posture.
Don’t demand anything linear.
Don’t expect right or wrong in the body.
Let go of a moral body for a time each day and just feel. Give yourself radical permission to feel with no caveats.
Give up, but stay incredibly curious and sincere
Find a place outside ideally or inside if you need to, an area that you could fall down and not bang a table or a rock or a piece of driftwood. Just radical release in space
Don’t have a breathing preference or an energy preference.
Don’t think, I need to keep my energy down or I need to open my heart.
And in that, see if there are not some things that happen spontaneously when I give radical permission to soften, feel, be honest in space.
Is there some sense that the body is wanting to release in space, down below my compensation strategies?
It may be trying to open in a way which is completely counterintuitive to what you hope will happen.
An internal momentum will be there in time, and that will begin to show us the way, allowing it to open over and over, deeper and deeper. We’ll see that we have to profoundly relax, and relax further. And yet, all of our intensity is still there.
Don’t worry about what you are thinking.
Don’t wish your thoughts would go away. Honestly, they are not the point. There is something else going on.
How is the Tanden involved? How are my feet sinking into the ground? How am I beginning to meld into the environment?
And with time, this focusing will naturally open our mind, our body, our awareness and drive us to a place of profound transformation and eventual breakthrough.
What we thought of ourselves will dramatically be opened.
Take this time every day, maybe 30 minutes on top your normal practice, a creative time of just being curious about what is happening. Breaking rules, Feeling with full permission. With time, this being honest in space will transfer to Zhan Zhuang and seated meditation, and to everything. It will begin to invade you all of the time.
So, all of this started as me physically getting into my body. I was a walking Qi pressure cooker.
I saw that if I got into my body, I began to align and open up to something much bigger. I saw that my body and my thoughts and my experience were all a part of something bigger happening. I might call it Dharma or the Tao if pressed. And this took over my life and I let it pummel me. Letting it overcome me showed through experience that I could trust what I was feeling. And that I was supported in a deeper way. Letting go into that became a laser beam of focus which drove me eventually to essential oneness.
For me, the seated meditation, the Zhan Zhuang, the Non-Directed Body Movement, are all just venues to give me different ways to feel and let go into this process. They all became the same thing for me at some point.
When I got sick in the monastery, I saw that none of this was about me. It was so much bigger:
Also, people think that if they go to this place of pure vulnerability. Of truly letting go, then they will not be able to function. Miraculously, this is not true. When we totally let go, we are still able to function just fine, better even. The whole world opens up to us. We have this deep autonomy, and can do what needs to be done.
We have to learn to focus, to feel what is actually happening. This takes a while. Maybe a couple of years of serious practice. Developing the tanden takes a couple of years to get going. You may not really understand what I mean for three years. We can't feel the energy, can't feel the tanden consistently at first.
And then once we have a good base, some stability in this focus, some confidence to step into the unknown, then we can begin the process of letting go and letting go into this process and deepening until we have a great change. But until we have the Ki/Qi, we won’t be able to mobilize what I’m talking about. Remember, it's a process trying to happen which we let go into and allow to build. Please don’t get complacent. Use your doubt and don’t look away. If you truly see it, then you’ll have something truly to offer the world.
Why do some people really get something out of the training and not others. Well, just to say, I do think that people get what they need out of the training. That said, we are all doing the same thing, but people get different things out of it. Well, I can speak for myself. I think that one advantage I had, because of my desperation, and how hard it was for me, and my now personal intensity and honesty, I had a good chance. I knew in a way that I had only one chance in this life.
A monk told me at a very difficult time that I had to fall in love with my training. I think that really helped me. I had to love it. I had to find a way to love it. And I think finding that it was trying to happen when I profoundly surrendered helped me. I went to such a rock bottom place, and I saw there that Grace was there still holding me.
I became completely obsessed, and I saw that in my obsession, the universe responded and drove me further into the process. Everything I was doing in my life was a way to become saturated in this process. Every moment. It really is life on the line! I also made a decision that I had to discover it. At a certain point when my training was ripening, I said that I would not go to bed unless something happened. This cannot be done by force, you can’t decide this until you are ready, but must be the overflowing of practice. But the universe responded when I made a decision. Please don’t attempt this until you are ready. It will be a natural flowering at some point.
I was very lucky to have a wonderful connection with my teacher. He saw me and guided me in such beautiful and skillful ways. Gave me a lot of space internally to explore, saw that I had to find my own way, gave me the green light, not in words, but in his caring for me. Every day in sanzen, ushering me further in my process. Into letting go into the unknown, being an idiot, a live wire idiot. That friendship greatly supported me.
Good luck. Lots of love! You are not alone. Hugs!
**Just a reminder, This work is not a substitute for psychological therapy or for medical advice in any way. If you are feeling unstable, please consult your doctor or therapist. We need multiple types of support in our process.
